My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
