Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
