i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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