I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
