1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
