Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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