but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
