His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
