Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
