I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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