I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
