The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
