You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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