Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
