I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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