sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize