So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
