Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
