I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
