Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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