I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
