matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
