Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
