You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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