just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize