Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
