They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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