I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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