I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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