you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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