so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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