I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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