This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
