We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
