this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
there is puke in my bra ... again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
