I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
