he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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