Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
