Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
