I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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