i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
