and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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