I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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