I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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