He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
