dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize