Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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