You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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