He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
