Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
