he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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