if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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