Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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