life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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