A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
