i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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