Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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