i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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